Content Warning (CW) for this publication:
❋ emotional abuse
❋ suicidal tendencies
❋ depression and anxiety
❋ fatphobia
This is an excerpt of my spoken word piece I originally performed at the 2018 Survivor’s Gala hosted annually by the Student Advocacy Center and the Sexual Civility and Empowerment (SCE) Program by The Ohio State University, and submitted for Asian Advocates' Project on Suicide Prevention Awareness Month in 2020. I felt it was relevant and it received such positive and compassionate feedback from the team members and anonymous viewers alike.
Video description: The video depicts a yellow horizontal background with a vertical video of Jaime on the left, and white text that reads: "video submission | Jaime" on the right. Towards the bottom right yellow corner, there is a graphic of a ribbon in one small loop, with both sides of the ribbon a different color, as one is light blue, and the other is dark purple. Everything is static except for the video of Jaime, which depicts them in a grey cap with a gorilla design stitched in white on top. She is also wearing a blue T-shirt that has all the known derivations of pi π printed in very minuscule scale across the actual design of π pi emblazoned on the front of the shirt as a design. Jaime is shown sitting on carpeted steps, as these can be seen in the background of the video, and she has silvery eye-shadow and black winged eyeliner makeup on, with a red-tinted lip balm. The content of the video is Jaime reading the spoken word piece, with the excerpt provided in text below.
Excerpt of untitled spoken word piece:
18 years old so near
I cried
Because you scream at me
Because you gaslight me
Because you season my insecurities with salt
And by doing so, binding me to you, to rot
I left.
I gave you the benefit of the doubt
About
The stuff you posted online about me, so slick
Talking about me being a slut and sucking another guy’s dick
Saying I cheated on you, telling all our friends that
You have my nudes but, “you don’t wanna see them, she’s fat”
I hate you, I hate you, with everything that’s left
I’m so fucking alone dealing with this theft
Of my freedom, of my love of life, of my virginity,
Of my concept of love, and most of all my dignity.
I wish I could say these things to your face
Enjoy the pain from you I’d taste
With goddamn delight! The torment and hurt you lashed
Out at me oh thinking about it now I just gnash
My teeth together you fucking asshole
3 years later
I still feel the same
I tried to kill myself at the shame
That your name
Brought to me.
The SCE unit was suspended in February of 2018 due to mismanagement of proper documentation of sexual assault complaints by students, and is now totally defunct, even though Title IX Coordinators at the university have been pushing for reinstatement, as the program as a whole provided support and comfort for victims of sexual misconduct, or any sex and gender based discriminations and harassment, of which I am unfortunately a card-carrying member. Art therapy was offered, and it worked for me. I was able to paint my pain and start healing. It is nothing short of a disappointment that the university has yet to provide a similar program specifically to provide emotional support to victims of sexual violence and associated relationship trauma.
Comments